...

it's the unexpected warm days in the midst of below freezing weather that make me realize how much i truly hate the cold/winter
it's not the winter that i hate really, it's moreso the feeling that comes along with it

ever since about 6th or 7th grade i've gotten, for the lack of a better word, pretty depressed or at least just down
i don't know why but i really didnt think that it was going to happen this year or should i say that it was happening until last night
it actually felt warm and my heart began to flutter, it felt like this huge weight was lifted off me
ok, I know that sounds cheesy but it's kind of hard to explain

i hate this feeling, it feels like 500 pounds of books are just lying on my chest

also, night is a bad time for me unless i'm actually out doing something or even just watching a movie(basically anything that prevents me from thinking)because i'm the person who pretty much keeps everything inside and by the end of the day i start thinking about everything and that weight feels so much heavier on my chest

it's weird because i'm usually content with just thinking about things and pondering about life but at night it's like everything dark and negative just creeps into my thoughts


at this very second, it's worse than it has been in a while because the weight usually goes away (kinda a back and forth kind of thing) but it's just stuck so i'm going to get this off my chest-

one thing i constantly think about is how i've never had anything close to a relationship, what's worse is that i don't think i've ever met anyone i've been that attracted to(physically yes, but nothing past that) and what i think bothers me the most is that i know that there are guys out there that i would want something with, they're just not here. that's what leaves me with this sense of helplessness because i want someone
i
really
really
do









i'm pretty sure i've had myself convinced for the past 3 or 4 years that i didn't
but if i want something i can't stop lying to myself, i have to make it happen or let it happen
whichever.